Just A Relationship Bastard

I had a conversation, maybe it was today... perhaps it could've been yesterday, who knows nowadays everything just seems to blur together beyond distinction. Nonetheless the focus of the conversation, while intended to be something scholastic, turned to the focus of social rearing and the subconscious habits we form subsequently. Somewhere along the conversation this man said to me "I had a hard time sustaining long term relationships with women, perhaps because I was so accustom to forming new relationships because I was an 'Army brat'..."

When he spoke this it struck something within, amazing how in all the internal reflection I've done I never considered this concept. Is this the reason why I tend to be so whimsical when it comes to the attraction of the opposite sex? Is this the reason why I find it so easy to just let a relationship go and search for another rather than fight to maintain it?

I mean looking back I never really care for the struggle that ensues when I find myself at odds with the opposite sex. Hell I'd rather just argue to prove my perspective, rather argue justification... but not for the sake of resolve, but just for the sake of proving a point.

Its not just in the realm of dating relationships, but I could go without seeing friend or family for quite some time before I finally miss them. Spend years away from these people I grew up with and love and be absolutely fine and accept it as just a part of life. I mean this Thanksgiving will be the first that I've spent with my mother and brother in 5 years... Before last year I couldn't tell you the last X-Mas i spent at home either. Haven't seen some of my sisters in years, one not ever... haven't really talked to my brothers in months... and its just normal to me.


Subsequently women, friends, family, etc. have passed through my life with ease... and to me this has just been normal. I'm merely accustom to people being around for miniscule amounts of time, accustom to people coming and going, accustom to people going and never coming back again. Some people might say that this seems distant, cold hearted, and even mean. That may very well be true, but its definitely not the intent.

So I've spent much of my free thought since pondering the aspects of this concept since and without the benefit of really finding a resolve. I mean, I wouldn't take the experiences I had growing up back, but the ease at which I can form relationships used to be something I regarded as solely positive. Rather something untainted and there's not much left untainted in this world...

Hmmmm, just got to keep this in mind I guess... grow a little more conscious as I think this through.

Honor & Trust

Honor and trust... typically synonymous with notions of faith and belief, I meam Webster defines honor as respect and reverence, consideration. Trust, to place confidence in to rely upon.

Have you ever stopped to think about how emotions play a role in how you view words and their meanings, or just symbolism in general? Think about the definition I just stated in regards to honor and trust... when detached from emotion the words are merely what they have been defined to be. Ah, but attach those words to particular people... particular memories and you'll see the meanings shift, sometimes even drastically.

Think of honesty and its meaning... so what about when you think of honesty and the last person you caught in a lie...

What happens when you think of the word faith in regards to something you simply don't believe in...

If you're anything like myself, these terms become tainted and synonymous with "bullshit", completely stripped of their original meanings and notions. Simply because we've incorporated something that drives an emotional response.

So how do we regain the purity in such words?

People often wonder why its so damn hard for people to not carry baggage from one relationship to the next.. why its so damn hard for people to get over something they feel was an injustice... why its just so damn hard to let go.

Well I ask... once corrupted, once stripped of blissful ignorance... is it possible for one to revert back and "re-obtain" innocence?

I was once told "If it doesn't affect eternity, let it go"...

So how do you begin to let go, how do you begin to strip the emotional feelings, the emotional meanings, the emotional lessons... all the emotions period, from the words without risking them becoming, just words???

Okay maybe that sounds slightly ridiculous but think about it; trust, honor, respect, faith... these are more than just words, its not like someone can walk up to you and say "farmer" and evoke the same response, the same emotions. No one longs to gain "palpitations"... and yes I know I'm being extreme but you get the point.

Not every word can stand alone and mean so much...

So how do we regain their innocence???

Crossing The Line

It is at this very moment that I lay on this bedroom floor, that I suddenly recall every reason why I hate dating and relationships. That fanciful and care-free ideal of what boyfriend and girlfriend mean are long gone faded memories of the distant past. Yeah that memory has been tarnished and replaced with the term "boyfriend and girlfriend". To those still caught in the faciful stages of being bitten by the love bug there is no difference, however for people like myself we understand just what those quotes mean. It means dating and relationships have turned into a world of confusion, hurt, and anxiety where the term boyfriend and girlfriend have no concrete meaning and damn sure aren't sacred terms.

That's why I've grown to hate dating and this is where I find myself sitting on this bedroom floor. Wondering what happened to everything that was there before we decided to "cross the line"... what happened to the you I knew when this was just about having a good time??? Do those things not apply anymore now that you're invested? I often wonder if people are aware of the drastic changes they display in their behavior once a situation turns from fun and games to real life. Hell I know I do it, funny thing is that i can't control it... Lord knows I would if I could. There are a lot of things when i comes to dating that I wish I could control in myself and while I know I don't stand alone, that's not hardly comforting.



Backtracking, the point of my rambling right now is that i'm trying to figure out what happened and what changed, what is and isn't allowed, what did i gain, what did i lose.... when we decided to cross the line? Is it worth it???? Cuz right now it's looking like 50\50 and I'm wondering if she's really a Gemini or does she just have a split personality. Not anything crazy but hell are there just two different people that she portrays before and after crossing into the realm of quotation marks.

Do I really want it??? Now that's the right question and that's something that given a few weeks ago, I wouldn't have been able to answer (Much like now) but I at least was leaning in a particular direction. Now every time i ask myself this question i see my subconscious shrug, no seriously I've noticed my shoulders involuntarily hunch up at the thought.

I just want what is gone to return... seriously though. I wouldn't take back the progress, that would be idiotic of me, but i most certainly realize that something has changed and something is missing. Can I have it back without having to re-cross the line???