Mr. Reese R.I.P. 4-15-2009

In all of my life I've never had to deal with a hurt like this. I remember not too long ago thinking to myself, "wow I've never really had to experience a major death in my life". I mean I've lost friends that I knew in middle school, a friend from high school but never have I had to deal with losing someone who is or feels like family... until today. And I don't know what to do, what to say... i'm really just lost right now. Mr. Reese, was one of the first people I met when I moved to Philadelphia and his grandson was in the same grade I was. Before I knew it Brock was a brother to me and our families were one, thus Mr. Reese was a grandfather to me as well. I could not begin to put in words what it meant to me just to have a male role model in my life at that point in time and I feel so hurt and cheated to not have expressed to him exactly what he did for me inadvertently. Our perhaps he knew what he was doing, his heart was huge it showed with every word he spoke and every action and gesture. As close as I am to my grandfather it still has no comparison to the bond I saw between Mr. Reese and his family, honestly he was like the male version of Big Mama. No he didn't throw together a massive Sunday dinner on a regular basis but he was the glue the undeniable family glue that brought everyone together regardless of any discrepancy. Sir you will truly be missed by so many and words can not express the void i feel left in my heart right now. All the words of wisdom, all of the encouragement you offered, all of the conversations we held when i visited home and it was just me and you in the house and i was sitting at the foot of your bed... much like i'm sitting at the edge of mine now... its just not fair

She Too Cool...

Do you really feel so deserving of a compliment that you no longer know how to properly receive one? I mean an earnest compliment, not the "Damn bae"... "Ooo shit look at that"... "Thick shawty redbone" that are masked as compliments but an unadulterated "You look nice"... "You have a nice smile" ... "You have a nice body" compliment. It is this question I charge to many a woman that I've encountered and by phrasing them as women I already hear the female contingency emphatically proclaiming, "Well if she cannot receive a compliment, then she is no woman!". I find this excuse amusing, merely because when men discuss trite qualities they encounter in women this is all we are left with. She's just not a woman... It is almost as if in order to be a "real" woman you cannot possess one subfuscous quality or you are still merely a girl. This may be true in a collective sense but unfortunately the reality of the matter is that there are fully grown woman who simply are void of certain qualities, attributes, mannerisms, etc etc... The one in discussion being that some have no clue how to receive a compliment and do not feel the need to adequately acknowledge a compliment. Ahhh I already hear the scoffs, moans, groans, and the teeth... yes the teeth *grin* however I ask any woman to make it a point to not look upon this too objectively, rather accept this as a plausible reality for men. For the truth of the matter is that women are praised and upheld as the more unsullied of the genders, with that comes the pressures of men to uplift her, glorify her, and cherish her. I have no qualms with this for we should cherish, glorify, and uplift one another... unfortunately this is a onesided ideology and with it comes much sense of entitlement. Thus we have the "diva" persona that some persons take extremely too far... "Yes I'm fly, I know already" ... "I know I'm gonna get complimented" ... "Wtf, how could he not want me"... Ok ok yes these are extremas but unfortunately they occur regularly and it is these women, and those in the near lower echelons, that I find myself fed up with and disgusted by. Furthermore I want many other women to come to the realization that you too have your moments. We all do that's fine, we are human, us as men are in ailment for similar behaviors, we too should assess ourselves. I only write and point this out in hopes that it evokes self reflection... I only write about women because you are my experience... I only write in hopes of change (Get ya Barack on!!! Hahaha).

Herein Lies A Pestilent Chasm

One thing I was never taught growing up, how to share my feelings... at least those that seem to matter the most. Guess it's a sort of learn through necessity situation, got so used to having to bottle things in never quite learned how to let them out. Guess the one in most need of being set a free at the moment is this feeling of emptiness. I find myself sitting, perusing my minds recollection of the connections succeeded, those failed, and those that just didn't quite turn out the way I had hoped. This last grouping would be the source of angst troubling my heart right now... See these not quite so's are most difficult for me to deal with for they stare me in the face on a daily basis serving as a reminder of what I had hoped to obtain and what I was forced to accept. So on nights like these where I find myself feeling void of feminine satisfaction, of the non-sexual sort, all of my not quite so's flood into my thoughts. Suppose its only natural to walk down the corridor of past occurrences with disconcerted thoughts of "what if i... or perhaps..." and my all time favorite "wtf was i thinking...". What i don't find natural, at least for me, is the new found willingness to accept my dissatisfaction with ease. Nonetheless, tonight i found myself down one of those corridors simply shaking my head muttering muffled obscenities. For every touch I remember as if it were only seconds ago, every smile still shines as vivid as the day my retina captured its beauty, and every word spoken replays in my mind as if they fell on my eardrums still fresh from her lips. Now this, is when I suddenly realize just how dark and empty this corridor is because the anamnesis is irrelevant, none of it matters. Thus I find myself on the living room sofa pondering the quondam and attempting to preserve my hopefulness towards the forthcoming. Whether the forthcoming means a second chance, something better, or perhaps proof of the cliche "Good things come to those who wait" (which I really don't believe btw), all I know is that I'm ready for this emptiness to subside...