Heavens Earthly Reflection

I feel like its been so long since i felt unexplainable captivation assaulting my heart. And as much as I'm enjoying this feeling and the eagerness of being lost in adolescent naiveness I'm also rekindling every guard I put in place to ensure that I wouldn't find myself...exactly where I find myself. It would appear that none of that matters though, I only want to get closer to HER. I just wish I knew why... I mean yes I find her beauty to be of the most exquisite nature but there are many a woman that qualify under that respect and yet I find my mind to only be occupied with HER. Perhaps it is that HER demeanor is more refreshing than a 1/2 and 1/2 lemonade and sweet tea in the middle of July. Or maybe even its the way HER skin appears to be a perfect smooth complexion of toffee and caramel. Whatever it is I find it escaping the placement of my finger and with that lack of tangible reference I feel my longing grow. I want to be able to explain HER... with purpose not just superficially... not just socially. I'm beyond hello's goodbye's and never want to utter it's been so long since we've last seen or heard from one another. For each day that passes without a word shared feels like a day of wasted opportunity. Ok ok... here is where my guards check in and thus days of wasted opportunity pass. I simply refuse to mimic my past and walk the same path so I'm busy trying to fine tune this process... fine tune my steps and walking gingerly in an attempt to quell my desires and appease my defenses. So I look at HER and smile a smile as big and beautiful as HER own chuck two fingers and ask HER how she's been, while my eyes take HER in... And While my eyes take HER in, my mind says I should've hugged HER so I might touch HER skin... Sometimes just to see if she's real or just a fabrication of my recent surrender to the loneliness that comes from obscurity. And every time all signs say she is for real. So again I only wish to know find more of HER... thus I enter the wilderness of frank and scents and mur in search of H.E.R... Heaven's Earthly Reflection

Should Eve Be Thanked???

Today I postured in front of the mirror... now normally when I find myself in a posturing mood it seldom occurs in a conscious state and if it does, the most likely end is in fact... the inside of my eyelids. So posturing w/ a constant stream of consciousness proved to be ultimately life altering. So again, as i postured I said to myself... "Self, how did you come about into existence". And as the obvious answer slaps you in the face, the religious will say through some form of a higher power, the scientist will say evolutionary progression, and the rest will probably say "fucking duh" lol. In any case my mind went beyond these measures and at this moment I realized that in some ways I, as well as everyone else, may owe thanks to woman named Eve for the reason we are allowed to breath today.

Now whether we would've been born regardless is up for speculation, but I would like to think this was pivotal in our existance in the present day... and it's this reason that i continued my thoughts...




Now one may say, "WHAT!!! Thank Eve.... " and this is where we begin to blame and point out her faults in the Garden of Eden as we always have... but hold those thoughts, blames, and pointed fingers for a moment and allow your mind to be open to the thoughts produced by my posturing. As God began informing Adam and Eve of the "Do's and Don'ts" of Eden he specifically mentioned that disobeying his order to not partake in the Tree of Knowledge would result in a multitude of punishments including Death (Genesis 2:16-17... did i mention Genesis is one of my favorite books lmao... yeah i know hype, oh well). Now without Death to worry about, amongst the other sins and vices, life for Adam and Eve was, as one could imagine, carefree and whimsical. Furthermore there was no need for procreation at this time, at least not extensive procreation. I mean think about it, procreation is a means to preserve life and with no one dying there is no need for extensive procreation for fear of over populating Eden. Therefore without extensive procreation it is easy to see that thousands and thousands of years later these initial inhabitants would still be in exitense. Therefore the history of the world that we've come to study in formal education and the rich family traditions that we have formed over time would not exist. Therefore we... would not exist.

So hopefully you see my point now for why we must thank Eve... at least in a satiracal kind of way. For without the release of Death as a punishment there would be no need for procreation, and without procreation no us. So personally I thank Eve, for it is ironically through what many deem to be one of the most selfish, devious, or perhaps dumbest acts in the history of our religion that we are allowed to breath and partake in life and began to point fingers on who to blame back then anyway. Was it the snake's fault, did Eve know what she asked Adam to do since she had already partaken of the fruit, or was Adam just naive and dumb... who knows but you might find yourself a little bit more appreciative of the fact that the event did occur. That is if you truly appreciate the life you've been blessed with...

Struggle to Stop Struggling

>

Often the world provides laughter in my life, unfortunately the laughter emitted is more so at the world rather than with the rest of the world. Now I'm not sitting upon a self-erected perch or pedestal because I don't claim to be better than the world but I thoroughly enjoy playing the side view and watching the world from seclusion. So today I sat on the roof and listened to the sounds of the world below... children helping adults reclaim the innocence and carefree attitudes that were lost with puberty and bills... elderly people enjoying the blessing of seeing another day and spending it with their loved ones... and somewhere in between lies my generation and unfortunately we've been afflicted with the Boo-Platonic Plague. Our women appear to be in a rush to be somebody's, hell damn near anybody's boo. Our men caught up trying to manipulate that thin line between lovers and friends, "...let's be platonic in public but let me have the benefits in private". What is hilarious about this, is that women and men execute these contradictory desires by carrying out similar processes. Well wait its not hilarious actually its rather angering because I'd rather both sides just fess up and be honest about what we are doing to each other and what we are doing behind each other. I think that as maturing young adults, my generation, is well aware of the games we have played and the games that have been played on us.



My concern is for the general happiness and well being of the young people I hear cursing and hating one another in the middle of the night, for the young women and men who have grown to hate college dating (shit dating PERIOD), for the man or woman that feels trapped and stuck in a relationship wishing they could turn the clock back and change it all around... but more importantly my main concern is for every child who has the unfortunate distinction of being born into such relationships and situations, shouldering the burden of being the only reason parents communicate. To think something as simple as the truth, an honest statement, might not garnish the desired outcome but would prevent so many undesired outcomes. We spend so much time trying to outsmart one another and display this facade of goodness, trustworthiness, and honesty... both sides know we're full of shit, its sad. Any man would be stupid to believe women don't already know, that in most cases we do approach because her physical is appealing. But we stand there and say everything else but the truth... all the sudden what was just a nice ass or nice breasts at first glance becomes beauty as the conversation begins. All the sudden if she simply entertains a males pursuit she's mad cool, she's a lady, and all he's thinking about. Ahhhhh, yet women eat that shit up and feed into it knowing what the truth is. Hell most women won't even admit that the many times the reason she entertains a males approach is because he looked like his body might be on point, his dress was nice, or she saw what car he drove up in, oh wait I almost forgot... he bought a drink LOL.




So all those things turn into he's such a sweetheart, his approach was unique, and he made me laugh. AAAND we as men eat that shit up as well. Other side of that is that women would be stupid to think that 100% of the time she is approached it is for her physical. Contrary to popular belief there are a lot of men in the world who can recognize wolf in sheep's clothing, a lump of coal with a pretty bow, and false advertisement... and yes we have standards. Sadly as men we are not given enough credit for having standards, thus women's self standards have dropped ridiculously. There isn't a day that passes since I've been home that I don't realize how much the abundance of successful, ambitious, and down right gorgeous women I met and saw everyday in college spoiled my perception of the options I had available out in this world. Its shameful and this lack of credit combined with the falsified visage put forth betwixt the sexes only augments the disparities we've created. I just sit and think about all the wonderful women and men who spent years in horrible relationships accepting the drama and hurt they never deserved and all the women and men who are doing so right now. Merely because they were lied to and helped those lies become reality by being dishonest to themselves and yeah sometimes people are just great liars and pull the hood over the eyes of others... but I find it hard to believe someone can be a great liar for 2+ years without ALOT of help on their partners behalf. Can't help but to think about the children who grow up living in such environments listening to their parents degrade one another on a nightly basis, The children who only spend time with one parent at a time or never see their parents truly happy to be around one another, and the children who come of age and realize they were accidents and mommy or daddy really didn't want them but the other convinced them otherwise.

Mr. Reese R.I.P. 4-15-2009

In all of my life I've never had to deal with a hurt like this. I remember not too long ago thinking to myself, "wow I've never really had to experience a major death in my life". I mean I've lost friends that I knew in middle school, a friend from high school but never have I had to deal with losing someone who is or feels like family... until today. And I don't know what to do, what to say... i'm really just lost right now. Mr. Reese, was one of the first people I met when I moved to Philadelphia and his grandson was in the same grade I was. Before I knew it Brock was a brother to me and our families were one, thus Mr. Reese was a grandfather to me as well. I could not begin to put in words what it meant to me just to have a male role model in my life at that point in time and I feel so hurt and cheated to not have expressed to him exactly what he did for me inadvertently. Our perhaps he knew what he was doing, his heart was huge it showed with every word he spoke and every action and gesture. As close as I am to my grandfather it still has no comparison to the bond I saw between Mr. Reese and his family, honestly he was like the male version of Big Mama. No he didn't throw together a massive Sunday dinner on a regular basis but he was the glue the undeniable family glue that brought everyone together regardless of any discrepancy. Sir you will truly be missed by so many and words can not express the void i feel left in my heart right now. All the words of wisdom, all of the encouragement you offered, all of the conversations we held when i visited home and it was just me and you in the house and i was sitting at the foot of your bed... much like i'm sitting at the edge of mine now... its just not fair

She Too Cool...

Do you really feel so deserving of a compliment that you no longer know how to properly receive one? I mean an earnest compliment, not the "Damn bae"... "Ooo shit look at that"... "Thick shawty redbone" that are masked as compliments but an unadulterated "You look nice"... "You have a nice smile" ... "You have a nice body" compliment. It is this question I charge to many a woman that I've encountered and by phrasing them as women I already hear the female contingency emphatically proclaiming, "Well if she cannot receive a compliment, then she is no woman!". I find this excuse amusing, merely because when men discuss trite qualities they encounter in women this is all we are left with. She's just not a woman... It is almost as if in order to be a "real" woman you cannot possess one subfuscous quality or you are still merely a girl. This may be true in a collective sense but unfortunately the reality of the matter is that there are fully grown woman who simply are void of certain qualities, attributes, mannerisms, etc etc... The one in discussion being that some have no clue how to receive a compliment and do not feel the need to adequately acknowledge a compliment. Ahhh I already hear the scoffs, moans, groans, and the teeth... yes the teeth *grin* however I ask any woman to make it a point to not look upon this too objectively, rather accept this as a plausible reality for men. For the truth of the matter is that women are praised and upheld as the more unsullied of the genders, with that comes the pressures of men to uplift her, glorify her, and cherish her. I have no qualms with this for we should cherish, glorify, and uplift one another... unfortunately this is a onesided ideology and with it comes much sense of entitlement. Thus we have the "diva" persona that some persons take extremely too far... "Yes I'm fly, I know already" ... "I know I'm gonna get complimented" ... "Wtf, how could he not want me"... Ok ok yes these are extremas but unfortunately they occur regularly and it is these women, and those in the near lower echelons, that I find myself fed up with and disgusted by. Furthermore I want many other women to come to the realization that you too have your moments. We all do that's fine, we are human, us as men are in ailment for similar behaviors, we too should assess ourselves. I only write and point this out in hopes that it evokes self reflection... I only write about women because you are my experience... I only write in hopes of change (Get ya Barack on!!! Hahaha).

Herein Lies A Pestilent Chasm

One thing I was never taught growing up, how to share my feelings... at least those that seem to matter the most. Guess it's a sort of learn through necessity situation, got so used to having to bottle things in never quite learned how to let them out. Guess the one in most need of being set a free at the moment is this feeling of emptiness. I find myself sitting, perusing my minds recollection of the connections succeeded, those failed, and those that just didn't quite turn out the way I had hoped. This last grouping would be the source of angst troubling my heart right now... See these not quite so's are most difficult for me to deal with for they stare me in the face on a daily basis serving as a reminder of what I had hoped to obtain and what I was forced to accept. So on nights like these where I find myself feeling void of feminine satisfaction, of the non-sexual sort, all of my not quite so's flood into my thoughts. Suppose its only natural to walk down the corridor of past occurrences with disconcerted thoughts of "what if i... or perhaps..." and my all time favorite "wtf was i thinking...". What i don't find natural, at least for me, is the new found willingness to accept my dissatisfaction with ease. Nonetheless, tonight i found myself down one of those corridors simply shaking my head muttering muffled obscenities. For every touch I remember as if it were only seconds ago, every smile still shines as vivid as the day my retina captured its beauty, and every word spoken replays in my mind as if they fell on my eardrums still fresh from her lips. Now this, is when I suddenly realize just how dark and empty this corridor is because the anamnesis is irrelevant, none of it matters. Thus I find myself on the living room sofa pondering the quondam and attempting to preserve my hopefulness towards the forthcoming. Whether the forthcoming means a second chance, something better, or perhaps proof of the cliche "Good things come to those who wait" (which I really don't believe btw), all I know is that I'm ready for this emptiness to subside...