Something Lost

I haven't posted in quite some time and I must admit that somewhere the desire to write, like much other things, seems to be waining and spotty at best. So I'm sitting and wondering what happened and what fed the desire in the past... Was it the notoriety that kept the flame of creativity lit or was it because I had walled in so many of my emotions that I experienced this massive outbreak when presented the opportunity to release? It was like my mind felt free and so comfortable on white sheets under the constraints of blue lines and red margins. Margins I seldom reach but would break every chance I got and blue lines of conformity I struggled to stay between. It was like a place where I could tear shit up and no one would be the wiser. It was a place where I could express emotion in not just the words chosen but how they were written down and again no one would be the wiser. See paper was my place break free and feel most like myself without worrying about the opinions of others. I could scream and be free of judgement and stares... I could curse myself and others just to vent my frustrations... I could share my secrets, even the ones I was scared to share with myself. Now it seems as if I've turned into my own worst critic or maybe I've just exhausted that resource and it was merely a fad in my life. Something to cherish in the moment before it passed me by, sadly I didn't really cherish it rather than relish in it because I never fathomed it wouldn't be here forever. But how does something like writing leave a person behind...

Just A Relationship Bastard

I had a conversation, maybe it was today... perhaps it could've been yesterday, who knows nowadays everything just seems to blur together beyond distinction. Nonetheless the focus of the conversation, while intended to be something scholastic, turned to the focus of social rearing and the subconscious habits we form subsequently. Somewhere along the conversation this man said to me "I had a hard time sustaining long term relationships with women, perhaps because I was so accustom to forming new relationships because I was an 'Army brat'..."

When he spoke this it struck something within, amazing how in all the internal reflection I've done I never considered this concept. Is this the reason why I tend to be so whimsical when it comes to the attraction of the opposite sex? Is this the reason why I find it so easy to just let a relationship go and search for another rather than fight to maintain it?

I mean looking back I never really care for the struggle that ensues when I find myself at odds with the opposite sex. Hell I'd rather just argue to prove my perspective, rather argue justification... but not for the sake of resolve, but just for the sake of proving a point.

Its not just in the realm of dating relationships, but I could go without seeing friend or family for quite some time before I finally miss them. Spend years away from these people I grew up with and love and be absolutely fine and accept it as just a part of life. I mean this Thanksgiving will be the first that I've spent with my mother and brother in 5 years... Before last year I couldn't tell you the last X-Mas i spent at home either. Haven't seen some of my sisters in years, one not ever... haven't really talked to my brothers in months... and its just normal to me.


Subsequently women, friends, family, etc. have passed through my life with ease... and to me this has just been normal. I'm merely accustom to people being around for miniscule amounts of time, accustom to people coming and going, accustom to people going and never coming back again. Some people might say that this seems distant, cold hearted, and even mean. That may very well be true, but its definitely not the intent.

So I've spent much of my free thought since pondering the aspects of this concept since and without the benefit of really finding a resolve. I mean, I wouldn't take the experiences I had growing up back, but the ease at which I can form relationships used to be something I regarded as solely positive. Rather something untainted and there's not much left untainted in this world...

Hmmmm, just got to keep this in mind I guess... grow a little more conscious as I think this through.

Honor & Trust

Honor and trust... typically synonymous with notions of faith and belief, I meam Webster defines honor as respect and reverence, consideration. Trust, to place confidence in to rely upon.

Have you ever stopped to think about how emotions play a role in how you view words and their meanings, or just symbolism in general? Think about the definition I just stated in regards to honor and trust... when detached from emotion the words are merely what they have been defined to be. Ah, but attach those words to particular people... particular memories and you'll see the meanings shift, sometimes even drastically.

Think of honesty and its meaning... so what about when you think of honesty and the last person you caught in a lie...

What happens when you think of the word faith in regards to something you simply don't believe in...

If you're anything like myself, these terms become tainted and synonymous with "bullshit", completely stripped of their original meanings and notions. Simply because we've incorporated something that drives an emotional response.

So how do we regain the purity in such words?

People often wonder why its so damn hard for people to not carry baggage from one relationship to the next.. why its so damn hard for people to get over something they feel was an injustice... why its just so damn hard to let go.

Well I ask... once corrupted, once stripped of blissful ignorance... is it possible for one to revert back and "re-obtain" innocence?

I was once told "If it doesn't affect eternity, let it go"...

So how do you begin to let go, how do you begin to strip the emotional feelings, the emotional meanings, the emotional lessons... all the emotions period, from the words without risking them becoming, just words???

Okay maybe that sounds slightly ridiculous but think about it; trust, honor, respect, faith... these are more than just words, its not like someone can walk up to you and say "farmer" and evoke the same response, the same emotions. No one longs to gain "palpitations"... and yes I know I'm being extreme but you get the point.

Not every word can stand alone and mean so much...

So how do we regain their innocence???

Crossing The Line

It is at this very moment that I lay on this bedroom floor, that I suddenly recall every reason why I hate dating and relationships. That fanciful and care-free ideal of what boyfriend and girlfriend mean are long gone faded memories of the distant past. Yeah that memory has been tarnished and replaced with the term "boyfriend and girlfriend". To those still caught in the faciful stages of being bitten by the love bug there is no difference, however for people like myself we understand just what those quotes mean. It means dating and relationships have turned into a world of confusion, hurt, and anxiety where the term boyfriend and girlfriend have no concrete meaning and damn sure aren't sacred terms.

That's why I've grown to hate dating and this is where I find myself sitting on this bedroom floor. Wondering what happened to everything that was there before we decided to "cross the line"... what happened to the you I knew when this was just about having a good time??? Do those things not apply anymore now that you're invested? I often wonder if people are aware of the drastic changes they display in their behavior once a situation turns from fun and games to real life. Hell I know I do it, funny thing is that i can't control it... Lord knows I would if I could. There are a lot of things when i comes to dating that I wish I could control in myself and while I know I don't stand alone, that's not hardly comforting.



Backtracking, the point of my rambling right now is that i'm trying to figure out what happened and what changed, what is and isn't allowed, what did i gain, what did i lose.... when we decided to cross the line? Is it worth it???? Cuz right now it's looking like 50\50 and I'm wondering if she's really a Gemini or does she just have a split personality. Not anything crazy but hell are there just two different people that she portrays before and after crossing into the realm of quotation marks.

Do I really want it??? Now that's the right question and that's something that given a few weeks ago, I wouldn't have been able to answer (Much like now) but I at least was leaning in a particular direction. Now every time i ask myself this question i see my subconscious shrug, no seriously I've noticed my shoulders involuntarily hunch up at the thought.

I just want what is gone to return... seriously though. I wouldn't take back the progress, that would be idiotic of me, but i most certainly realize that something has changed and something is missing. Can I have it back without having to re-cross the line???

Heavens Earthly Reflection

I feel like its been so long since i felt unexplainable captivation assaulting my heart. And as much as I'm enjoying this feeling and the eagerness of being lost in adolescent naiveness I'm also rekindling every guard I put in place to ensure that I wouldn't find myself...exactly where I find myself. It would appear that none of that matters though, I only want to get closer to HER. I just wish I knew why... I mean yes I find her beauty to be of the most exquisite nature but there are many a woman that qualify under that respect and yet I find my mind to only be occupied with HER. Perhaps it is that HER demeanor is more refreshing than a 1/2 and 1/2 lemonade and sweet tea in the middle of July. Or maybe even its the way HER skin appears to be a perfect smooth complexion of toffee and caramel. Whatever it is I find it escaping the placement of my finger and with that lack of tangible reference I feel my longing grow. I want to be able to explain HER... with purpose not just superficially... not just socially. I'm beyond hello's goodbye's and never want to utter it's been so long since we've last seen or heard from one another. For each day that passes without a word shared feels like a day of wasted opportunity. Ok ok... here is where my guards check in and thus days of wasted opportunity pass. I simply refuse to mimic my past and walk the same path so I'm busy trying to fine tune this process... fine tune my steps and walking gingerly in an attempt to quell my desires and appease my defenses. So I look at HER and smile a smile as big and beautiful as HER own chuck two fingers and ask HER how she's been, while my eyes take HER in... And While my eyes take HER in, my mind says I should've hugged HER so I might touch HER skin... Sometimes just to see if she's real or just a fabrication of my recent surrender to the loneliness that comes from obscurity. And every time all signs say she is for real. So again I only wish to know find more of HER... thus I enter the wilderness of frank and scents and mur in search of H.E.R... Heaven's Earthly Reflection

Should Eve Be Thanked???

Today I postured in front of the mirror... now normally when I find myself in a posturing mood it seldom occurs in a conscious state and if it does, the most likely end is in fact... the inside of my eyelids. So posturing w/ a constant stream of consciousness proved to be ultimately life altering. So again, as i postured I said to myself... "Self, how did you come about into existence". And as the obvious answer slaps you in the face, the religious will say through some form of a higher power, the scientist will say evolutionary progression, and the rest will probably say "fucking duh" lol. In any case my mind went beyond these measures and at this moment I realized that in some ways I, as well as everyone else, may owe thanks to woman named Eve for the reason we are allowed to breath today.

Now whether we would've been born regardless is up for speculation, but I would like to think this was pivotal in our existance in the present day... and it's this reason that i continued my thoughts...




Now one may say, "WHAT!!! Thank Eve.... " and this is where we begin to blame and point out her faults in the Garden of Eden as we always have... but hold those thoughts, blames, and pointed fingers for a moment and allow your mind to be open to the thoughts produced by my posturing. As God began informing Adam and Eve of the "Do's and Don'ts" of Eden he specifically mentioned that disobeying his order to not partake in the Tree of Knowledge would result in a multitude of punishments including Death (Genesis 2:16-17... did i mention Genesis is one of my favorite books lmao... yeah i know hype, oh well). Now without Death to worry about, amongst the other sins and vices, life for Adam and Eve was, as one could imagine, carefree and whimsical. Furthermore there was no need for procreation at this time, at least not extensive procreation. I mean think about it, procreation is a means to preserve life and with no one dying there is no need for extensive procreation for fear of over populating Eden. Therefore without extensive procreation it is easy to see that thousands and thousands of years later these initial inhabitants would still be in exitense. Therefore the history of the world that we've come to study in formal education and the rich family traditions that we have formed over time would not exist. Therefore we... would not exist.

So hopefully you see my point now for why we must thank Eve... at least in a satiracal kind of way. For without the release of Death as a punishment there would be no need for procreation, and without procreation no us. So personally I thank Eve, for it is ironically through what many deem to be one of the most selfish, devious, or perhaps dumbest acts in the history of our religion that we are allowed to breath and partake in life and began to point fingers on who to blame back then anyway. Was it the snake's fault, did Eve know what she asked Adam to do since she had already partaken of the fruit, or was Adam just naive and dumb... who knows but you might find yourself a little bit more appreciative of the fact that the event did occur. That is if you truly appreciate the life you've been blessed with...

Struggle to Stop Struggling

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Often the world provides laughter in my life, unfortunately the laughter emitted is more so at the world rather than with the rest of the world. Now I'm not sitting upon a self-erected perch or pedestal because I don't claim to be better than the world but I thoroughly enjoy playing the side view and watching the world from seclusion. So today I sat on the roof and listened to the sounds of the world below... children helping adults reclaim the innocence and carefree attitudes that were lost with puberty and bills... elderly people enjoying the blessing of seeing another day and spending it with their loved ones... and somewhere in between lies my generation and unfortunately we've been afflicted with the Boo-Platonic Plague. Our women appear to be in a rush to be somebody's, hell damn near anybody's boo. Our men caught up trying to manipulate that thin line between lovers and friends, "...let's be platonic in public but let me have the benefits in private". What is hilarious about this, is that women and men execute these contradictory desires by carrying out similar processes. Well wait its not hilarious actually its rather angering because I'd rather both sides just fess up and be honest about what we are doing to each other and what we are doing behind each other. I think that as maturing young adults, my generation, is well aware of the games we have played and the games that have been played on us.



My concern is for the general happiness and well being of the young people I hear cursing and hating one another in the middle of the night, for the young women and men who have grown to hate college dating (shit dating PERIOD), for the man or woman that feels trapped and stuck in a relationship wishing they could turn the clock back and change it all around... but more importantly my main concern is for every child who has the unfortunate distinction of being born into such relationships and situations, shouldering the burden of being the only reason parents communicate. To think something as simple as the truth, an honest statement, might not garnish the desired outcome but would prevent so many undesired outcomes. We spend so much time trying to outsmart one another and display this facade of goodness, trustworthiness, and honesty... both sides know we're full of shit, its sad. Any man would be stupid to believe women don't already know, that in most cases we do approach because her physical is appealing. But we stand there and say everything else but the truth... all the sudden what was just a nice ass or nice breasts at first glance becomes beauty as the conversation begins. All the sudden if she simply entertains a males pursuit she's mad cool, she's a lady, and all he's thinking about. Ahhhhh, yet women eat that shit up and feed into it knowing what the truth is. Hell most women won't even admit that the many times the reason she entertains a males approach is because he looked like his body might be on point, his dress was nice, or she saw what car he drove up in, oh wait I almost forgot... he bought a drink LOL.




So all those things turn into he's such a sweetheart, his approach was unique, and he made me laugh. AAAND we as men eat that shit up as well. Other side of that is that women would be stupid to think that 100% of the time she is approached it is for her physical. Contrary to popular belief there are a lot of men in the world who can recognize wolf in sheep's clothing, a lump of coal with a pretty bow, and false advertisement... and yes we have standards. Sadly as men we are not given enough credit for having standards, thus women's self standards have dropped ridiculously. There isn't a day that passes since I've been home that I don't realize how much the abundance of successful, ambitious, and down right gorgeous women I met and saw everyday in college spoiled my perception of the options I had available out in this world. Its shameful and this lack of credit combined with the falsified visage put forth betwixt the sexes only augments the disparities we've created. I just sit and think about all the wonderful women and men who spent years in horrible relationships accepting the drama and hurt they never deserved and all the women and men who are doing so right now. Merely because they were lied to and helped those lies become reality by being dishonest to themselves and yeah sometimes people are just great liars and pull the hood over the eyes of others... but I find it hard to believe someone can be a great liar for 2+ years without ALOT of help on their partners behalf. Can't help but to think about the children who grow up living in such environments listening to their parents degrade one another on a nightly basis, The children who only spend time with one parent at a time or never see their parents truly happy to be around one another, and the children who come of age and realize they were accidents and mommy or daddy really didn't want them but the other convinced them otherwise.